The smell of rubbish gossip. The sensationalism in Jim White’s voice as Leeds sign an Arsenal U23 on loan for the season. Ah it must be nearly Transfer deadline day.

The hope at 7am, the bi-polar midday feeling to the panicky 8pm to 11 pm period. We go through many emotions and all have one we remember. Sadly for me it’s Berbatov to United and Frazier Campbell in return.

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I’ve decided to lift the lid on transfers. Many chairmen and agents have tried to stop me revealing this. But I’m hyped up on Pepsi Max (other soft drinks are available but it was on offer) and don’t care.

 

Social Stalking

Firstly identify the player of course, but more importantly in this age of never looking up from a 4 to 7-inch screen, social media is king. Instagram is a good place. A like on a pic could get lost in thousands but the eagle-eyed footballer will pick this up. Or the guy who is paid to check for him. If this is noted you’re in.

 

Adapt the Home Kit

You want to sign Neymar? Ease the situation by making your own home kit not dissimilar to the one he has just left. Simple really, surprised Man City didn’t adopt the same practice.

 

Buy players from the same country

Remember this when a guy from Bolivia who can only say ‘Yes’ ‘No’ or ‘Champions League Release Clause’. Buying a few of his mates will help most communication. Or they will lead him stray and he ends up in bed with one of the cast of TOWIE.

 

Buying out the Buyout clause

I’ve managed to get hold of the transcript of the phone call between Oryx Qatar Sports Investments Head Nasser Al-Khelaifi and manager Unai Emery.

QSI – We are buying Neymar for €222mill

Unai – Really? For that I could get new defender like Toby Alderweireld and Midfielder like Isco and Forward like Sanchez…

QSi – We buy Neymar.

Unai – We need more than one player. Silva is getting old and we have only one striker.

QSi – We buy Neymar and sell lots of shirts for €140.00 each.

Unai – That’s a bit expensive, we will turn the working man or woman against this club.

QSI – Maybe we buy Wenger too….

Unai – Oh NEYMAR, I thought you said Bale.

 

Pretend to not Care

If none of these are working, there is always the old school yard trick of pretending not to care. Like many girls who turned me down (yes mum it happened) I just said, ‘Don’t care, didn’t really like her anyway’ in the stupid hope she would change her mind and French kiss me there and then.

Barcelona could do worse than to use this tactic with Liverpool. Or just offer a load more money.

 

Beg

As a Spurs fan I love Harry Redknapp and what he did for our club. But I sometimes feel he had to beg either Chairmen or the players themselves to come. VDV, as we called him at the lane, probably didn’t come without ‘Arry falling to his knees saying, ‘Bale can’t do it all himself’.

 

Promises and Clauses

You have the player and agent in front of you and it is now time to negotiate. This can range from offering to buy his home village a goat to some ridiculous buy-out clause, say €222mill, which surely no club can afford….

Clauses though can range from ‘If we don’t get Champions League football I’m off’ to ‘if I don’t touch the ball 15 times a game on my right foot inside the penalty box of the opposition I’m off.’ Why clubs agree to these is beyond me.

 

Cheesy video

Nope not a Rio, Frank, Dyer and one other person caught in ‘the act’ type video. But those annoying ‘oh look we have signed and look how are introducing him’. I don’t seem to remember Ant and Dec ‘Wrekin’ da Mic’ to announce Alan Shearer. Nor a mock up video of Sir Alan Sugar sending an email to Jurgen Klinsmann asking him to join Spurs (this obviously done on a dial up internet).

So when August 31st comes round and Jim White’s Red Bull has been drunk remember all the things your club goes through to get that Albanian right back.

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